Tell me about our new park. Please tell me something. Please tell me anything.
10. Mets' dugout certain to be roomier without unnecessary bat rack taking up space.
9. Home Run Apple replaced by the Single Raisin.
8. During games, DiamondVision will air complete DVD collection of The Sopranos, including bonus features, to satisfy fans' otherwise unfulfilled desire for lots of hitting.
7. With New York getting the 2012 Olympics, Torpid Baseball announced as an Olympic event. Early favorite for the gold plays right next door.
6. Philip Humber, cracking the low 80s since surgery, makes long-awaited Mets debut. Goes two and a third.
5. Contests much shorter with home team eliminating the formality of starting the bottom of each inning with fewer than two outs.
4. Julio Franco retirement rumors, though eventually proven false, spur fleeting visions of unseating Braves.
3. Drinking fountains dispense contents of unclaimed Uncle Jack's Steak Sauce prize packages.
2. Beltran terms quad “91, 92 percent. Could be 93 percent by August. I'll just keep playing on it and eventually it'll come around. I'm sure of it.”
1. To “suck” will be slang for doing really well the way “bad” means good in certain contexts. Thus, the Mets will no longer suck all that much.