What do you do when your offense has vanished again and you wind up dropping two of three to the Giants? You look for help from your friends, of course.
So let's call the roll.
God bless you, you St. Louis Cardinals . You're fine players and good people.
The Chicago Cubs are just terrific . Man, put a Zambrano on the mound and good things happen. What a wonderful way to celebrate retiring Ryne Sandberg's number.
Some might say it was gauche for the Los Angeles Dodgers to celebrate the 50th anniversary of their first World Series title, since it was won in a city that they abandoned like thieves in the night. (And that so totally kicks Los Angeles' ass.) And wearing BROOKLYN on the unis? Double gauche. But we're not about hating, particularly not when there was a Satanic presence in the stadium. Good job on the exorcism ! Happy anniversary! We love the Dodgers.
Ah, you Arizona Diamondbacks. What a big-hearted crew of excellent young men you are. We're glad to see you didn't take that shellacking personally. Top-notch work from one of our favorite teams. Bravo !
Isn't it a wonderful world where you have friends like these to pick you up where you're down? Makes me wanna walk down the street patting dogs and handing out flowers and candy. Would you excuse me a moment? I — I think I've got something in my eye.
As for you, Milwaukee, well, you are so not invited  to our next party. Thanks for nothing, suckos.