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Bad Call

If all I did was watch SNY (and it’s close), I’d have no problem picking a Mets MVP for 2006.

Clearly, it’s Dave Magadan. Every time I turn this channel on, there he is going 3-for-4. He’s gotta be 21-for-28 by now. And the Mets are on the verge of clinching of the National League East in 1986 for the seventh time.

Hey, who doesn’t love a Mets Classic? I’m thrilled knowing that every time we play this game, we win this game. September 17, 1986 was a great night. But just for the hell of it, they could show, I don’t know, September 18, 1986. Or any game in any year. Isn’t there another Mets Classic? (They did say they’ll show Pedro’s 200th win again soon, but apparently not soon enough.)

It would be classic enough if we could successfully finish out the current game against the Cardinals which, if I can think back that far, has us out in front 4-3 going to the bottom of the seventh. If we don’t start up again, we don’t get a win, just a suspension. Last week, when it rained in the fifth in Philadelphia, we lost. Is there even a single rule that goes in our favor?

Not that I’m paranoid or anything, just a Mets fan. If I were paranoid, I’d be sure my flagship radio station hates me.

Didja see this [1]? Didja hear about this? Next Thursday, in some misguided act of charity, the Mets will give Howie Rose and Tom McCarthy the day off and replace them with WFAN’s afternoon drive time team, the same guys who have taken undisguised glee in every Mets misstep of the past 17 years. The kicker is two Mets executives (one of them an owner) get to sit in and take calls later, but it’s hardly an even trade.

Listen, you wanna mess around in the middle of March, all right. Not really, but no harm done. But this is a regulation game they’re gonna pollute. It’s against the Phillies. At the moment, that’s a showdown for first (if the Braves don’t blow by both of us any minute now). The Mets and WFAN are screwing with their brand and their product. They’re screwing with us. Anybody who tunes into the game at 1:10 on May 25 will not be treated to a professional broadcast. They’ll just be treated with contempt.

It’s just one game, you say? Yeah, OK. But what if it’s a BIG game? What if it’s the kind of game that you’ll want to have the call of forever? What if there’s a walkoff homer? Six hits by a Met? What if, not god forbid because you’re not gonna toss it back but still…what if the Mets experience their first no-hitter and instead of Howie Rose describing it from the sanctity of the Bob Murphy Radio Booth it’s Mike Fucking Francesa and Chris Fucking Russo?

What if?

Strike three. There it is. Pedro Martinez completes the game without giving up a hit. Dog, I don’t wanna take anything away from the Mets because it is a no-hitter and they haven’t had one before, but it wasn’t a perfect game like Cone or Wells or Larsen threw. Now THAT’S pitching!

Right, Mikey. It wasn’t even as dramatic as Gooden’s with the Yankees.

Gooden? What about Abbott? He threw that no-hitter with one arm! Pedro needed two! It’s not even half as impressive!

Right again, Mikey. Don’t know why Pedro and Lo Duca are jumping around out there. It’s just one game. You’d think they won the World Series! They haven’t won anything!

Look, they’re entitled to be a LITTLE excited, but why don’t we wait until October to go nuts? It’s only May 25, folks. They still have to play the Phillies 13 more times and the Phillies are gonna remember this. And don’t forget, Dog, they’ve got the Yankees in another month. If you want perspective, there it is. Never mind their little no-hitter. You’re going up against the varsity at the end of June. Why don’tcha save a little of that energy you’re using celebrating for when you have to face Moose and the Big Unit?

They’re carrying Pedro off the field, Mikey. Bad job. I’m sorry, but Willie’s gotta put a stop to this. There’s no need for the Mets to be this happy. There’s just no reason for it. None! Very bad job.

You know something else we have to get on Willie about when he comes on with us is letting Pedro finish the game. Just because it’s a no-hitter doesn’t mean you should let him go nine innings. That’s a hundred pitches! He’s gonna break down!

It’s not like the game was out of reach either. Willie was being Grady Little there!

I understand it’s a no-hitter, but c’mon, who cares? The only thing I can say in Willie’s defense is he doesn’t exactly have Mariano out in the pen. We know who the REAL Sandman is in New York, Dog.

Wagner’s no Rivera, that’s for sure, Mikey.

The big problem with the Mets, Dog, is they don’t have a captain like Jeter to keep things in perspective. He’s all about winning in October, not June. You wouldn’t see the Yankees piling on each other like that in JUNE! They’ve been there, they know how to win. That’s experience. Pennants aren’t won in June, folks. They’re won in October. The Mets don’t know that. But how could they?

When you’re right, you’re right, Mikey.

We gotta wrap this up and get it to Mink in the studio. The final totals: Phillies no runs, no hits, no errors…