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If Cranky Bloggers Wrote AP Recaps

CHICAGO (FAFIF) — The Mets lost 7-1 [1] at Wrigley Field Tuesday night, which came as something of a surprise to this reporter who nodded off on the couch with the Mets behind 2-1 in the eighth.

“How the fuck did it get to be 7-1?” this reporter wondered upon waking and observing the final score.

The Cubs scored five runs while this reporter napped, leading him to believe some combination of Aaron Heilman and Willie Randolph must have been doing the same thing.

“Shit,” he said. “Five runs! How the fuck did that happen? Fucking Heilman? Fucking Willie? Fuck!”

In the portion of the game for which this reporter managed to stay awake, the Mets offense sputtered while John Maine was outpitched by Carlos Zambrano.

“Fucking Maine,” this reporter noted. “And fucking Zambrano, while we're at it. Fuck!”

The Cubs took a 2-0 lead while this reporter had switched away to watch Countdown With Keith Olbermann on MSNBC. Usually this reporter switches back and forth between Countdown and the game frequently during the 8 o'clock hour, but Keith was interviewing Hillary Clinton, which “seemed newsworthy enough seeing as how it's obvious Keith can't fucking stand her,” this reporter surmised. Upon turning back to SNY after a 20-minute absence, this reporter learned Aramis Ramirez had homered off Maine.

“Fucking Ramirez,” this reporter said. “Hillary's a fucking Cubs fan, too.”

The Mets got a run back when Endy Chavez doubled and eventually scored on a Jose Reyes double play.

“How the fuck does Jose Reyes hit into a double play?” this reporter asked himself. “They're always saying how rare it is, yet it seems to happen twice a week.


Even before things began to go against the Mets, this reporter admitted he wasn't really paying very close attention to the game.

“I thought it was going to start at 8 o'clock like they usually do in Chicago,” he said. “Then I turned on the FAN around 6:30 and they were doing the pregame show. 'Fuck,' I thought, 'ESPN's doing the game, it starts at 7.'”

The mildly surprising starting time caused a brief controversy as this reporter was expecting he and his wife would do their usual Monday night grocery shopping between 7 and 8.

“She didn't feel like it any more than I did,” this reporter explained. “Good, I get to watch the game from the start. But it was weird. I wasn't really into it. Go figure.”

Game notes

This reporter agreed to pick up “some crap we're probably running out of,” including milk, at the store Tuesday. … Delgado fucking sucks. … Moises Alou is expected to come off the 15-day disabled list later this week. … Moises Alou is expected to go on the 15-minute abled list soon after. … Castillo kind of sucks, too.