Fans, it’s the middle of the sixth inning, and you know what that means: It’s time for the Citi Field Fun Run, the forced frivolity we co-opted from Milwaukee, Washington and our own minor league Cyclones!
The Citi Field Fun Run is brought to you by a total lack of imagination on the part of the Mets’ marketing department.
Lining up at third base are our regular contestants:
Liggy, the misdiagnosed ligament!
Podie, the press conference podium!
Empty, the plush green seat from behind home plate!
And Angel Pagan, part-time outfielder!
The object, as every Mets fan knows, is for our four characters to race from third to home without incident. Will this be the night it happens? We’re about to find out.
Mr. Met brings down the green flag and…THEY’RE OFF!
Liggy takes one step and he’s writhing in pain. The Mets’ medical staff rushes out to attend to his cries of anguish.
Podie looks sharp but is suddenly cringing in embarrassment at whatever a Met executive is likely to say next into his microphone.
Empty doesn’t seem to be here. Empty almost never pays attention to what’s going on on the field despite being a great seat.
Angel Pagan tags up at third, apparently unaware of the rules of the Citi Field Fun Run. You can go for home anytime, Angel!
He’s not listening.
Liggy is still on the ground. He doesn’t appear to be in any shape to run anywhere…but the Mets doctor literally rubs some dirt on him, hands him a Band-Aid and props him to his feet. The doc pats him on the rear end and tells him he’s 100% good to go!
Liggy falls down again. The cries of anguish only intensify.
Podie isn’t running, but he is covering his ears, indicating he doesn’t believe a word any member of the Met front office would ever utter for public consumption.
Empty is still AWOL, though we do have a report that…yes, our CitiVision cameras have found Empty! He’s enjoying a cocktail in the Delta Sky360 Club with his pal Pricey.
Angel Pagan has finally gotten word that he doesn’t have to tag up, so he’s sprinting at full speed now. However, he seems to be…yes, Angel Pagan has run from third to second…where he’s tagged up again. You should run the other way, Angel!
He’s still not listening.
It’s the home stretch! It’s anybody’s race! Here they sort of come!
Liggy is limping off the field. The Mets have released a statement that though he appears to now be a torn ligament, Liggy has absorbed no more than a mild bruise, and he should be considered day-to-day…even as Liggy is carted off to a waiting ambulance outside the ballpark.
Keep Liggy in your prayers tonight, Mets fans.
Podie has just tendered his resignation. He says he wishes to spend his career providing support for local politicians and other “more honorable” figures.
Empty is still taking advantage of the amenities offered by Citi Field’s sumptuous private enclaves, the ones that are off-limits to most Mets fans. He’s in the Ebbets Club now…and his back is clearly to the field. Empty will not be watching the rest of tonight’s game.
And with no competition, Angel Pagan has just taken off from second for first…but he’s tagged out en route by an ever alert Eric Bruntlett, who was heading to his position for the start of the next half-inning. It seems that, once again, we will not have a winner here tonight.
But let’s give all our contestants the hand they deserve. Ladies and gentlemen, the Citi Field Fun Run!