Things to Which I'd Elect John Olerud

John Olerud’s name appears on the 2011 Baseball Hall of Fame ballot. It should be the other way around. The Baseball Hall of Fame should appear on the 2011 John Olerud ballot.

THE 2011 JOHN OLERUD BALLOT

Rules: Please vote for the honors, offices and/or institutions to which John Olerud should consider lending his considerable personage. Mr. Olerud will decide at a later date if he will grace with his presence any of those named on at least 75% of all ballots.

__ NATIONAL BASEBALL HALL OF FAME
Located in Cooperstown, New York … may not be convenient for John Olerud unless it is relocated to Pacific Northwest … purports to offer “immortality” to outstanding baseball players … to discerning Mets fans, immortality is the second-highest level a baseball player can achieve; John Olerud is the highest … could use infusion of grace considering it is weighed down with surfeit of poor character (e.g. Walter O’Malley, Bowie Kuhn) … John Olerud may not wish to associate himself with this supposedly august body unless peers in legendary first base play (Gil Hodges, Keith Hernandez) are inducted alongside him … membership currently limited to individuals … ultimate team man John Olerud would no doubt prefer 1999 Mets — a.k.a. The Ultimate Team — be inducted as a unit.

__ AMERICAN IDOL
One of the highest rated television shows of the past decade … John Olerud too often underrated when, in fact, he can’t be rated highly enough … airs on Fox … John Olerud’s sensibilities better suited to low-key networks like C-Span3 … an all-time high 624 million votes cast during show’s eighth season … in his second season as a Met, John Olerud set a new club mark by batting .354 … average Americans call in to select the new American Idol … John Olerud already an idol to the average Mets fan.

__ MISS UNIVERSE
Worldwide beauty pageant for young ladies … no creature on earth as beautiful as John Olerud … a truly international event … John Olerud’s stardom shone in both Canada and the United States … produced by the Trump Organization … John Olerud wore a helmet in the field for protection after experiencing a brain aneurysm; what’s the excuse for that thing Donald Trump keeps on his head?

__ MAYOR OF NEW YORK CITY
Responsible for delivery of services to more than 8 million New Yorkers … John Olerud always delivered for New Yorkers … must make certain snow is removed after severe winter storms … John Olerud cleared the bases with regularity — primary, secondary and tertiary roadways would be a breeze … has to deal with an array of high-powered rivals … John Olerud has dealt effectively with Curt Schilling and Greg Maddux … needs to unite diverse constituencies that aren’t always willing to understand one another’s differences … even brief, unfortunate tenure as a Yankee could not diminish the luster of John Olerud in the eyes of Mets fans.

__ ROCK ‘N’ ROLL HALL OF FAME
Recognizes transcendent contributions to contemporary popular music … hard to think of anybody who had bigger and better hits than John Olerud … previously inducted musicians include those who were considered extraordinary on bass … John Olerud was extraordinary at getting on base … as induction ceremonies wind down, the stars jam together in a one-night supergroup … John Olerud played with Robin Ventura, Rey Ordoñez and Edgardo Alfonzo in the Best Infield Ever for just one year … mostly considers artists from the 1950s onward … John Olerud would have been most at home with the music of the 1940s, as he was all about that sweet swing.

__ POPE
Spiritual leader of Catholics everywhere … John Olerud’s goodness is too far-ranging to be confined to a single faith … infallibility a key aspect of papacy … did John Olerud ever look like he didn’t know what he was doing? … selected by College of Cardinals … John Olerud jumped to the majors directly from college — and registered an OPS of 1.042 versus the Cardinals in his first season as a Met … election signaled by white smoke … John Olerud wouldn’t knowingly subject a crowd to second-hand smoke.