I yearn to crowd into Times Square and watch the zipper deliver the updates. I hanker to gather around the upright Philco in the parlor and receive the word seconds after it arrives via Teletype. I want Walter Winchell to deal me the dope.
Good evening Mr. and Mrs. America, from border to border and coast to coast and all the ships at sea! Let’s go to press!
Dateline Flushing, where National League hitting honcho Jose Reyes swings jauntily through Gotham’s baseball jungle to cling to his edge in the batting derby they way Tarzan gripped his vine…by the skin of his teeth. No New York Met has ever accomplished the above-average feat Sir Speed-A-Lot is on the cusp of achieving. All of Metropolis is pulling for you, Jose — hang on tight!
In hot pursuit: Milwaukee’s Braun bomber, Ryan Braun, seeking to become Dairyland’s first batting champeen since Hammerin’ Hank Aaron “Bravely” ascended to the title for a different franchise in a different century. Should Braun explode Reyes’s stick of Dominican Dynamite, he’d become both the first Brewish AND the first Jewish fellow  to count his decimals higher than any of his National leaguesmen. L’chaim!
But wait! Who’s that coming along on the outside rail? It’s Hollywood star Matthew Kemp, seeking to don a crown three times as wide  as any worn by any player in the senior circuit since Joe “Ducky” Medwick took home run, RBI and batting average honors in Nineteen Hundred and Thirty-Seven. In light of the flourish with which Matt is putting a cap on his spec-TAC-ular campaign, Camp Kemp overflows with happy Kempers as dawn kisses Southern California.
Yes, Mr. and Mrs. America, this one is a humdinger! Saturday’s action promises to unfold in a blur of bloopers, bleeders and Baltimore chops!
Where our Hillerich & Bradsby barons stand this morning…
These lords of the line drive storm the field this very Saturday with cases so compelling that FBI Director Hoover may demand a gander at their files. Reyes COULD very well be nearing the end of his Metropolitan line. Braun COULD very well be damp from bathing in Milwaukee’s best…champagne, that is . Kemp’s COULD very well be the head that hangs heavy from the specter of wearing the elusive triple crown. And there are moundsmen in Philadelphia, Florida and San Diego finery who will do their best to have a say in who prevails pre-eminently in this race to reach base.
Stay tuned, Mr. and Mrs. America. Baseball hasn’t offered this kind of old-timey gallop to glory since youngsters were required by an act of Congress to learn how to spell “Yastrzemski”!