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He’s Leaving Home

Posted By Greg Prince On August 26, 2012 @ 11:46 pm In 1 | Comments Disabled

“And it’s…GONE! Ballgame! [1]
Ugh! I KNEW I shouldn’t have thrown that pitch!”
“But ya did! I win! Wanna play again?”
“Can’t. Gotta go.”
“OK. What about tomorrow?”
“Can’t.”
“Well, there’s always next time for you to try to get even.”
“Listen, I’ve been meaning to tell you…”
“What? That I just kicked your ass two out of three?”
“Nah, man. This is serious.”

“What?”
“I can’t play with you anymore.”
“What’re you talking about? We play each other all the time! Like since we were born, which was practically the same day [2]!”
“Yeah, I know, but we’re moving.”
“Moving? Where you moving to?”
“The other league.”
“The other league? You’re kidding! We always make fun of the other league!”
“Yeah, I know, but my dad says that’s where he’s gotta go for work [3], so…”

“Aw, that’s stupid. There’s plenty of work in this league.”
“I know, but what can I do?”
“You and me not in the same league anymore? That’s crazy!”
“They say it’s nice over there.”
“Nice? You’ll get killed! You couldn’t even beat me, and I’m terrible!”
“Hey, I beat you the last time we played. I swept you! [4]
“That was like forever ago. And I was taking it easy on you.”
“Taking it easy on me? What about all those times I beat you?”
“You beat me? Ha! When?”
“Lotsa times! What about that time you won the championship? Who was it who you could NEVER beat? [5]
“Who won the championship, though?”
“I should’ve won the championship. I beat you and you beat that kid from the other league, so really I was the champion.”

“You’re nuts!”
“Uh-uh! I beat you like 10 out of 12 times that year!”
“But I won the championship! And that wasn’t the only one!”
“Shut up!”
“Shut up yourself! You were a big cheater and a sore loser that year!”
“Cheater? Says who? Prove it! Prove it!”
“I don’t have to prove it. I won! Even when you tried to get me in trouble, I won!”
“I didn’t tell you to do all that stupid stuff. Only an idiot would’ve gone to a place called Cooter’s [6] after a game!”
“Cooter’s was cool. You were just chicken!”
“Chicken? You were chicken! You were afraid of a little sandpaper [7]!”

“I can’t hear you. My championships are making too much noise.”
“That doesn’t even make sense!”
“What doesn’t make sense is you think you would’ve won if we’d kept playing except I won because I beat you fair and square.”
“I still beat you more. I beat you that time we stayed up all night [8], too!”
“I beat you that time we just kept playing and playing [9] even though our moms were calling us to come inside!”
“Big deal! You didn’t even make the playoffs that year!”

“‘What’s that, championships? You’re both talking at the same time, and I can’t make out what either of you is saying, something my chicken friend over here doesn’t have a problem with because he doesn’t have any championships and now he’s afraid to play me anymore, so the big chicken is moving to the other league!’”
“Oh, you take that back!”
“Or what? You’ll close your roof [10]?”
“I’m glad I’m moving!”
“I’m glad you’re moving, too!”
“You’re such a loser!”
“You’re a bigger loser!”
“Yeah, well…you only just got a no-hitter this year. I’ve got a BUNCH [11] of ’em!”

“Yeah? Where do you keep ’em, on that stupid hill [12]?”
“My hill’s better than that stupid apple!”
“That apple went up twice today [13]! It means I kicked your sorry ass!”
“You’re just lucky I am moving, because otherwise I’d beat your behind so bad next year!”
“Some threat. Where ya gonna do it from, the other league?”
“Don’t you worry, I’ll be back at some point. Maybe not next year or the year after, but we’ll run into each other.”
“Yeah, well…I hope we do.”
“Yeah, well…me too.”
“I can’t believe we’re never going to play each other like regular ‘play each other’ again [14].”
“Me neither.”

“Seriously, watch yourself over there, OK? They can be real dicks in that other league.”
“You’re just saying that to scare me.”
“I’m not, man, really. They don’t even let you bat normally over there.”
“They don’t?”
“Nope. And you know how you and me play, like with a lotta pitching and just a little hitting?”
“Yeah?”
“It’s the total opposite over there.”
“What?”
“It’s messed up. I’m just saying watch yourself.”
“Don’t worry, I will.”
“Good. Because when we run into each other I want you to be in good enough shape for me to KICK YOUR ASS AGAIN!!!”
“You mean the way I KICK YOUR ASS most of the time?”

“You sure we can’t play just one more game?”
“Nah. I gotta go.”
“Good luck. I mean it.”
“Yeah. See ya.”


Article printed from Faith and Fear in Flushing: http://www.faithandfearinflushing.com

URL to article: http://www.faithandfearinflushing.com/2012/08/26/hes-leaving-home/

URLs in this post:

[1] Ballgame!: http://espn.go.com/mlb/recap?gameId=320826121

[2] since we were born, which was practically the same day: http://mlb.mlb.com/news/article.jsp?ymd=20120409&content_id=28279170&vkey=news_mlb&c_id=mlb

[3] my dad says that’s where he’s gotta go for work: http://blog.chron.com/ultimateastros/2011/11/15/crane-to-receive-70-million-discount-for-astros-switch-to-american-league/

[4] I swept you!: http://www.faithandfearinflushing.com/2012/05/03/gone-with-the-schwin/

[5] Who was it who you could NEVER beat?: http://www.astrosdaily.com/history/19690730/

[6] place called Cooter’s: http://www.chron.com/CDA/archives/archive.mpl/1986_253680/4-mets-jailed-after-brawl-at-cooter-s.html

[7] afraid of a little sandpaper: http://www.faithandfearinflushing.com/2006/10/07/men-without-shame/

[8] that time we stayed up all night: http://www.astrosdaily.com/history/19680415/

[9] that time we just kept playing and playing: http://www.faithandfearinflushing.com/2011/10/02/the-happiest-recap-154-156/

[10] close your roof: http://www.faithandfearinflushing.com/2005/10/25/tear-the-roof-off-the-sucker/

[11] BUNCH: http://www.astrosdaily.com/history/nohitters.html

[12] that stupid hill: http://www.faithandfearinflushing.com/2007/07/08/carlos-beltran-king-of-the-hill/

[13] twice today: http://espn.go.com/blog/new-york/mets/post/_/id/55628/davis-walks-off-with-pair-of-homers

[14] we’re never going to play each other like regular ‘play each other’ again: http://blog.chron.com/ultimateastros/2012/08/26/astros-watch-one-slip-away-in-mets-walkoff-win/

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