Time of game: 5:23.
The Mets struck out 19 times, which in such circumstances normally evokes Steve Carlton . The Phillies struck out nine times.
Mets pitchers walked nine Phillies. Phillies pitchers walked 10 Mets.
A park that normally showcases offensive fireworks didn’t provide much. The Mets scored their runs on a flurry of second-inning hits and a later Bobby Abreu  double, brief uprisings all but lost amid the surrounding futility. The Phillies scored theirs on a groundout set up by Abreu’s inability to play the outfield, a Domonic Brown  homer that would have been a flyout in most parks, another groundout and finally on the aftermath of Chris Young  pulling a Luis Castillo  in right field. Suffice it to say that so far this year the Chris Young experiment isn’t one for Sandy Alderson’s trophy case.
Rafael Montero  was terrible; he’s young, so he’s excused this time. A.J. Burnett  was pretty terrible too; he’s old and hung in there, managing to survive it. The Mets’ bullpen was great until Jenrry Mejia  — perhaps dispirited by the knowledge that none of his teammates could play right field — threw Reid Brignac  an unnecessary strike that let everybody go home. The Phillies’ bullpen was pretty good too, though perhaps it was just that the Mets couldn’t hit.
Honestly, when Brignac connected I wasn’t that mad — this game was a hot mess, a slog that was alternately irritating and boring and threatened to last forever. The only mercy was that it ended.
Oh, the managing was inept too. In the top of ninth, Terry Collins  gave the Phillies a free out and decreased the Mets’ chance of winning by having Juan Lagares  bunt. Ryne Sandberg , determined not to be out-dumbed, walked Daniel Murphy  to let a lefty face David Wright . Wright, of course, popped up a hanging slider he normally hits to Portugal. Baseball, man.
The umpiring? It was horrible as well — Cory Blaser couldn’t figure out where the outside corner was, and threw in random strikes and balls just to keep everybody guessing.
When SNY put up the final score , it first said 5-5. Which was factually wrong but spiritually accurate: Those of us who watched this flatulent parody of actual baseball till the end got what we deserved. Rather than play to a win, both teams should have been handed an L and made to go stand in the corner until tomorrow afternoon.
Now let us never speak of this game again.