- Faith and Fear in Flushing - http://www.faithandfearinflushing.com -

Same Mets, Different Day

“All right guys [1], we have to get a few more of these in the can before the next homestand, so I appreciate you coming in early on a Sunday. Just like always, stare directly into the camera and show the enthusiasm that got you this gig. And…action!”

“Branden, I’m so excited about what the Mets are giving away this Friday!”
“You mean like the way they gave away Saturday night’s game to the Giants [2], Alexa?”

“Cut! Cut! Branden, just stick to the script. And…action!”

“Branden, I’m so excited about what the Mets are giving away this Friday!”
“Yes, Alexa, it’s another free shirt, though with this team, you can just take the ‘r’ out of ‘shirt’ and be left with exactly what the Mets are all about this season.”

“Cut! Cut! Branden, the sooner we get through these, the sooner we can all go home. Let’s try the next one. And…action!”

“Branden, did you know that every Sunday at Citi Field kids under 14 get to run the bases just like the Mets?”
“Just like the Mets? God, I hope not, Alexa. Did you see how they ran the bases in the third inning against the Giants? What a bunch of freaking amateurs.”

“Cut! Cut! Branden, the Mets aren’t paying us to do our own version of Daily News Live here. Let’s just read the next spot. And…action!”

“Branden, what could be more fun than coming out to see David Wright [3] play baseball?”
“Maybe seeing David Wright take a seat [4] and somehow get his head together? He looks totally lost at the plate, Alexa, and now he’s making stupid, costly errors [5], too. If you can’t count on David Wright, what can you count on with this miserable team?”

“Cut! Cut! Branden, baby, I know it’s tough, but you gotta persevere. Let’s do the next one. And…action!”

“Branden, can you imagine a better treat for Dad than taking him to a Mets game on Father’s Day?”
“Father’s Day? Kind of an ironic proposition, Alexa, given that the Mets are playing like the saddest bunch of bastards I’ve ever seen.”

“Cut! Cut! Branden, you’re supposed to mention ‘face-painting on Mets Plaza’ there. C’mon, work with me. Just read the next card. And…action!”

“Branden, with the Mets Family Four Pack, there are some tough decisions to make between a Nathan’s Hot Dog, a hamburger or a slice of pizza!”
“Well, Alexa, you can be sure if there’s a decision to be made, Terry Collins will inevitably make the wrong one. Dude shouldn’t even be managing [6] the Kettle Corn concession up in Promenade.”

“Cut! Cut! Branden, I don’t think that’s what it says on the card. Just a few more, guys, and I promise we’re outta here. And…action!”

“Branden, we’ve gotta make sure we catch the Mets’ upcoming games against the Brewers and Padres this week!”
“Alexa, we have a better chance of catching a game than Anthony Recker [7] does of catching a crucial third strike or Travis d’Arnaud does of catching anything now that’s he and his pathetic .180 batting average have been shipped off to Vegas [8]. What the hell took them so long?”

“Cut! Cut! Branden, please, just concentrate and I swear this will be over soon. And…action!”

“Branden, a day at Citi Field is a great time for fans young and old!”
“Excuse me, Alexa, did you just mention Young? Could Chris Young [9] be a bigger bust?”

“Cut! Cut! Branden, you’re usually so on message. The next one will get you back in the groove. And…action!”

“Branden, the Mets have a promotion that’s sure to be a hit!”
“You know what’s sure not to be a hit, Alexa? Most any pitch thrown to any Met with the bases loaded — or any pitch ever thrown to Bartolo Colon [10]. Ya think he could at least try to make contact?”

“Cut! Cut! Branden, I don’t think you’re in the spirit of things the way you usually are, but I know you can nail the last one. And…action!”

“Branden, the Mets have some really Amazin’ ticket deals!”
“Alexa, it would be amazing if anybody showed up to see this crap in person. It’s bad enough watching it on TV. My conscience won’t allow me to mislead our public any longer. Folks, it’s me, Branden. Get out while you still can! Don’t fall for these come-ons anymore! The Mets aren’t getting any better! They’ll never get any better! There are 100 games of this left! You have to find something else to do with your summer! Something else to do with your lives! No free shirt is worth this kind of pain! C’mon Alexa, let’s find Christina and spread our message of truth to Mets fans everywhere!”

“Cut! CUT!”