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Dansby Rotten Scoundrel

What an impressive young man, that Dansby Swanson [1]. The cut of his jib is first-rate, tip-top, simply splendid. Let me show you a few choice selections from his defensive portfolio Friday night…

Hmm, I can’t seem to find any of them. Why, that Dansby Swanson seems to have leapt as from out of nowhere and snatched them from my grasp. What a rascal. What an impressive young man.

Have I told you of the bang-up job that Dansby Swanson did in the sixth inning? Oh, it was something to behold. Matt Harvey [2] had thrown five innings of shutout baseball, nothing but zeroes, and it took him only a thousand pitches to do it. Mister Collins removed Harvey for this Paul Sewald [3] character — he comes highly recommended — and, speedier than a spur-winged goose, the Atlanta fellows had two on and two out and Dansby Swanson, a real sparkplug that one, well, Dansby lashes a double and those two Atlanta fellows come scampering home. Such a sight to see. I’d love to push this button and share the entire tableau with you, but that scalawag Swanson seems to have whisked it away in one furtive motion — the filmed evidence and the device on which I was about to display it. Lightning quick that Dansby Swanson. Have I mentioned what an impressive young man he is?

The best part I am only now arriving at. The score is two to two in the ninth of innings and Dansby Swanson, the very same Dansby Swanson, is the batter with one out. Now Dansby seems to single to center. Old Curtis Granderson [4], he rises gradually from his rocking chair and steps with great deliberation toward the ball. No need to hurry this along. Old, weathered Curtis picks up the single…and you’re in for a treat here. It turns out it was a double all along! Curtis, a really pleasant sort when you chat with him, had no idea. The Mets, all of them really pleasant sorts, had no idea. Only that impressive young man Dansby Swanson knew as soon as he laid bat to ball that he’d wind up on second base. The youth and impressiveness of that impressive young man has to be beheld to be appreciated. It happened so fast, too. I timed it on the technologically advanced watch on my wrist here, so I can tell you exactly how long it took him to execute this unique feat of derring-do. Forgive my hesitation in retrieving this information, because I can’t seem to find my watch. It was right here on my wrist a moment ago..

Why, young Swanson seems to have made off with my valuable timepiece. Impressive!

All right, all right, then, impressive young Dansby Swanson is on second base and up steps…you know, it doesn’t matter. Mister Collins has arranged a nice, spacious hole for the next batter, who takes advantage as if scripted. The ball travels wide of the Met inner defenders and Dansby literally hops, skips and jumps between second and third bases before continuing on his impressive, young, merry way home. Michael Conforto [5] deems himself so fortunate to have scooped up the ball in left field that he massages it in his glove repeatedly before opting to let it fly freely through the air. Well, by the time he delivers it to that d’Arnaud chap at the plate, Swanson has already crossed with the prevailing tally. The Braves win, the Mets lose. [6] An unfortunate result if you are predisposed to dislike it, I concede, but witnessing the emergence of such an impressive young man on the level of Dansby Swanson was surely worth the price of admission. And, you know, with the secondary ticket market structured as it is, I paid only…wait, let me check…

Oh dear. Dansby Swanson seems to have picked my pocket while I wasn’t looking. What an impressive young man!