Four good things to come out in the wake of the Mitchell Report:
1) I noticed a TV in a store window this morning beaming a flickering image of Roger Clemens. If this were the movies, a crowd of hard-bitten men in fedoras would have been gathered around, grinding out their cigars in disgust. You know said television wasn't featuring a story about another Cy Young award. Roger Clemens is no longer pitcher for the ages, what a competitor, biding his time 'til his next multigazillion-dollar comeback commences at his midseason convenience. He's the guy on TV who backed into [1] that something extra on his fastball. Sure he wasn't the only one, but he's the star of the show now. Think he's still busy dictating which cap [2] he's going to wear on his Hall of Fame plaque?
2) We don't now win the 2000 World Series by default, but for about an hour yesterday I entertained the notion that on Opening Day a new banner to that effect should replace the previous marker for that year over the right field wall. No, we don't win the 2000 World Series by default (RUN TIMO! RUN!), but it's nice to know the mere suggestion of illegitimacy [3] regarding the accomplishments of the nominal champions drives their supporters to distraction. (2008 minus 2000, by the way, equals 8 years without a title; unlike certain alleged injections, it's hardly the stuff of a “magic” dynasty in progress, in case Daily News senior executive editor Robert Sapio [4] can't conduct simple arithmetic.)
3) If you scrolled down to page D-25 [5] of the report, you saw Paul Lo Duca's happy little memo to Kirk Radomski about his phone being “toast” and such. It sticks out like a sore catcher among all the ordinary copied checks and FedEx receipts, but what really attracts one's attention is Paul's use of the Dodger Stadium note paper…as duly illustrated by the groin-grabbingly good Ken Dynamo at Go Mets Die Braves [6].
4) A nation turns its lonely eyes to Faith and Fear t-shirts for solace. Order yours today! [7]