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The Password is ‘Deplorable’

Mostly asleep but a little awake early this morning, I remembered I had to get up and write up one of those games I had no desire to dissect let alone relive [1]. “That was deplorable,” I thought as I sunk back into unconsciousness, which is interesting to me since “deplorable” is a word I don’t really use. I just did a search of FAFIF — which isn’t a foolproof test — and found the last time I allegedly used “deplorable” was December 2009 in an article about Omar Minaya [2], except I didn’t use “deplorable” at all, just “valuable,” “improbable,” “formidable” and “Lo Duca”. “Deplorable” did come up big that July, however, in a piece citing Adam Rubin’s reaction to Minaya suggesting he (Rubin) was actually lobbying for a job with the Mets when he reported Tony Bernazard ripping his (Bernazard’s) shirt off and challenging minor leaguers to fights (good times [3]).

Anyway, deplorable isn’t really one of my words, but let’s see if it fits.

The Mets lost to the Pirates in eleven innings. That was deplorable.

Overwrought yahoos at PNC Park were stoked by yokel announcers [4] to boo David Wright because he did not instantly validate Pedro Alvarez’s powerful first-half production by proffering an immediate invitation to the Home Run Derby. Alvarez is now on the useless exhibition squad and booing David Wright is akin to booing warmth and kittens. That was deplorable.

Alvarez avenged the perceived Wright slight by launching a two-run home run practically into the confluence of the Allegheny and Monongahela. That was deplorable.

Jeremy Hefner settled down from enabling splashdowns into the Mighty Ohio and left the Bucs dry as a bone clear through the seventh. Obviously, that was not deplorable.

The Mets scored their first run when David politely singled home Eric Young in the sixth. Not deplorable.

The Mets tied the game when Kirk Nieuwenhuis made his case to wear a gaudy orange jersey and be robotically swooned over by Chris Berman Tuesday night. Not deplorable.

The Mets didn’t do any more with Charlie Morton over seven innings than the Pirates did with Hefner. Deplorable enough.

Terry Collins mysteriously pulled a healthy Hefner after seven innings and 78 pitches [5] on a night when Harveycentric tinkering with the rotation and the ravages of age were going to deprive him use of Carlos Torres and LaTroy Hawkins, respectively…and a week before Hefner’s next well-rested start. Most deplorable of all.

Jordany Valdespin, the guy Collins all but begged the Pirates to plunk two months ago, did not pinch-hit a home run or anything off Mark Melancon as he batted for Hefner leading off the eighth and thus continued his descent into the state of deep uselessness that more or less dates to the Mets’ overly Victorian overreaction to Valdespin’s violation of baseball’s unwritten code of conduct. Jordany’s OBP after he homered off Jose Contreras on May 10 and Bryan Morris hit him on May 11: .735. Jordany’s OBP the morning of July 13: .570. All kinds of deplorability here, but mostly Hefner should’ve batted for himself and continued to pitch.

Solid eighth out of David Aardsma. By no means deplorable, but Hefner should’ve still been pitching.

Mets unable to touch Jason Grilli in the ninth. Last Met to touch Jason Grilli in the ninth was Mike Baxter, who currently seeks to change his luck in Las Vegas. Don’t know that it’s deplorable that Baxter isn’t back yet but it’s always deplorable being shut down by an ace reliever.

Collins empties out most but not all of the relatively reliable portion of his bullpen to rescue Aardsma after he gives up a leadoff double to Starling Marte and finds runners on first and third with one out. Aardsma out, Burke in; Burke out, Rice in; Rice out, Edgin in. The results are anything but deplorable — the Bucs load the bases but do not score — but one is left to wonder where is the most reliable Met reliever of them all, Bobby Parnell? Surely Terry, who removed an effective starter with a low pitch count after seven, isn’t saving his closer for a lead that may never come, is he? That would be deplorable.

In the top of the tenth (or as the marathoning Mets of 2013 call it, the new ninth), Juan Lagares singles to spark an eventual two-on, two-out situation for Wright, who has already recorded two hits and made two big plays, and how perfect would it be for him to drive in the go-ahead run here as the Pirate fan boos get more and more pathetic? Against Morris, the man the Mets didn’t mind teaching Valdespin a lesson, David lines a ball on the button, but it heads square into the glove of Andrew McCutchen. Deplore this.

Edgin works out of trouble in the bottom of the tenth while Parnell is preserved for a situation that has yet to arrive. Can’t deplore what Edgin’s doing. Can deplore what Parnell isn’t.

Mets do nothing against Vin Mazzaro in the eleventh. Deplorable.

Gonzalez Germen, to this point no more than a roster rumor set in agate type, makes his major league debut in the bottom of the eleventh of a tie game with McCutchen, Alvarez and Russell Martin due up. He walks the All-Star McCutchen. He strikes out the All-Star Alvarez but McCutchen steals second. He intentionally walks Martin, who won a game against the Mets with a home run in 2012. He strikes out Gaby Sanchez, who produced a .318/.403/.591 slash line in eighteen games against the Mets in 2011. He teases a weak grounder out of Jordy Mercer, but the ball had excellent vision and limped its way into center to score McCutchen from second with the winning run. Gonzalez Germen did what we shall call without irony his Parnellian best to keep the game tied. Parnell, on the other hand, saw as much action Friday night as Germen did all of his life prior to Friday night. When you’ve lost 3-2 in eleven without your best reliever getting the call, that’s deplorable.

And when Terry Collins leans back in the visiting manager’s office and explains he was going by the book [6] by not opting for Parnell in a tie game on the road…no wonder I stirred from slumber thinking, “That was deplorable.”

Because it was.