“It’s :25 after the hour, time for our daily cooking segment. Chef, what do we have on the menu today?”
“Today we’re going to make something I like to call Metropolitan Stew.”
“Metropolitan Stew? Ooh, sounds intriguing!”
“This is the kind of dish you can just toss together on a nippy April night and, if we know what we are doing, it will sustain you for nine innings.”
“What are some of the ingredients that make a Metropolitan Stew?”
“You see this All-Star shortstop.”
“Yes, the ever popular All-Star shortstop [1], a real crowd-pleaser.”
“We take the All-Star shortstop, and we set it aside.”
“For later?”
“Much later [2].”
“What do we use in its place?”
“The longtime prospect [3].”
“Is the longtime prospect fresh?”
“We’ll see.”
“And for starting pitching? I know you usually bring lots of options to the table.”
“Today I’m starting with a Triple-A promotion [4].”
“Have you used this one before?”
“A long time ago. But it’s back on our counter space. Here, taste.”
“Ooh, that’s wild!”
“Very wild. So we’re not going to use it for very long.”
“You’re the chef, but I gotta say, I don’t know where this stew is going.”
“We set aside the wild starter, we mix in some different pitching [5], and we let that simmer for a while.”
“Is it safe to use one pitcher after another?”
“We’ll see. But let’s begin to mix in our offense.”
“In previous segments, you’ve gone light on the offense.”
“We’re going to try something new here. What’s the fun in cooking if we don’t experiment?”
“What’s that you’re putting in?”
“The apparently versatile swinger [6]. Sometimes we get it from third base. Sometimes we get it from first base. Here, right field, which is where the swing is going, very deep.”
“Whoa! That’s three runs!”
“And this fresh [7] prospect — another deep taste.”
“That’s on top of a whole lot of other hitting you put in.”
“We have to have hitting. Hitting is as important as pitching if you’re going to make a successful Metropolitan Stew.”
“And defense?”
“Defense is optional.”
“What about heady baserunning?”
“A stew can’t have everything.”
“How is the pitching coming along?”
“We’re removing the pitching we replaced the Triple-A promotion with, and we’re going to use one of our more known quantities [8] next.”
“Don’t you traditionally use this known quantity from the outset of your prep?”
“We can’t be tied down to a rote recipe. A Metropolitan Stew can be a very unpredictable thing.”
“Have we reached a boiling point yet?”
“The key is getting the temperature right. Right here it’s 7-2…make that 7-3.”
“How long before it’s ready?”
“This is where patience comes in. We have to take out the known quantity pitcher, and try to season our stew with an ancient pitching spice [9] we picked up recently.”
“What does that bring to the stew?”
“Not enough this tie. So we take that pitcher out, and we have to put it in this other one we like to shake into the mixture every chance we get [10].”
“Does that make it zestier?”
“It makes it 7-7.”
“Does the recipe call for everything to be tied like that?”
“The recipe isn’t so much a recipe as it is an improvisation. This is where we turn back to the offense and we throw whatever we’ve got into the pot.”
“Sounds dangerous.”
“It can be, but sometimes, you get…voila!”
“Wow, a clutch three-run double [11], making it 10-7! What an enticing aroma! I’d say that was overdue.”
“It was. But to finish it up, you have to stay flexible.”
“What do you mean?”
“I like to flick the kitchen lights on and off for a few seconds so nobody know what’s going to land in the stew next.”
“How does that help?”
“I call it the element of surprise. What would you expect me to put in here?”
“Um, the closer?”
“Exactly. But the lights going on and off adds a soupçon of confusion [12]. We’re going to keep using the ‘zesty’ pitcher from before.”
“That works?”
“Just a pinch. Now we add the closer [13].”
“And that works?”
“It makes things…interesting.”
“Shouldn’t this stew be done by now?”
“Wait a couple of extra batters, and an extra run. Bring the go-ahead run to bat…”
“This doesn’t taste like closing.”
“Now! Our Metropolitan Stew is complete! Try it again.”
“Mmm! That’s…interesting! Like it shouldn’t have come out as well as it did, but it’s what I’d call palatable [14].”
“My pro tip: keep a jar or bottle of your favorite antacid handy, available at any drug store or supermarket. It makes this sort of Metropolitan Stew go down a little easier.”