Take a moment, if you will, to consider last night from the perspective of Rangers fans — who must exist even though Cap Bingo never seems to turn one up in the New York area:
Oh God we’re tied for first, we’re under .500, and the stupid cheating Astros have the tiebreaker. It’s all kind of embarrassing. But the hell with all that. Let the haters sneer — we didn’t invent the rules here. Win the division, anything can happen, and flags fly forever.
Why do we have to play the Mets anyway? We’ve got no history with them and I don’t remember any of the games. It’s like if your little brother started messing with the videogame controller and … oh what’s the use, it’s all been said before.
At least we’re playing better defense — what was that horror show last night? Wyatt Langford [1] is giving Mets hitters fits tonight, and Corey Seager [2] is everywhere Mets fans wouldn’t want him to be. Whew.
Oh God, why did we pitch to Juan Soto [3]? That was a bad idea. Man that ball went a long way. Let’s not do that again.
This Nolan McLean [4] is a tough customer — a lot tougher than Sean Manaea [5]. Still, other than that one inning, Manaea hung in there when it kept looking like we were going to send him to the showers. What did we have last night, three hits? Mercy.
Yes! Got to McLean! Brand new ballgame! Now we need to finish the job.
At least Skip Schumaker [6] has learned his lesson: Soto is not going to be the guy who beats us. You worry a little about Bo Bichette [7] taking it personal, but c’mon, who would you rather face?
What is Bichette doing here anyway? Aren’t these guys in last place? Jeez, that’s a lot of money to spend to come in last. Heh heh. Makes me want to wear my Rangers cap and strut around New York City until someone notices me.
Ah, Marcus Semien [8]. Brandon Nimmo [9]‘s fun to watch and all, but I miss him. Shame we sent him off to rot in the NL East cellar. He did a lot for us back in the day. I hope Mets fans appreciate him, despite looking done and all —
— ACK. Marcus? C’mon man. Why’d you have to go and do that? Oh, that hurt.
We are still in this. We can do this. Whew, they took McLean out — I’d seen enough of him. Who are they bringing in? Devin Williams [10]? Isn’t he the guy that Pete Alonso [11] beat in Milwaukee? And he hasn’t been the same since? Why would you acquire the guy whose career you torpedo’ed and make him your closer? That doesn’t make a lick of sense. Guess they do things differently in New York City.
Didn’t get to Williams, ugh. But we’re still in this. Just keep them close. Nope, Soto, you can go to first again. Bichette walked, that’s OK — pinch-hitter coming up. Tough assignment against Trevor Williams [12]. Wasn’t he a Met like a million years ago? So hard to keep track of these teams from God knows where.
Hey, isn’t Brett Baty [13] from Austin? Do us a solid here, Brett —
AUGGHH. Grand slam. Good God that landed in Dallas. What was the distance on that one? 455 feet? Mercy. Would have taken an hour to catch up with it on public transit, if we had such a thing here.
Oh good we got a fourth hit. Super. Things are really looking up. Stupid Brett Baty. Stupid interleague play. Stupid Mets. It’s all stupid and I hate it [14] … when’s tomorrow’s game?