Do You Hear What I Hear?

“Give it a listen. What do you hear?”
“‘DeGrom.’ Definitely ‘deGrom.’”
“You’re crazy. It’s ‘Conforto.’ Listen…‘Conforto.’”
“You’re the one who’s crazy. Can’t you hear the pitching? Seven innings. Thirteen strikeouts. No walks. ‘DeGrom.’”
“No way, it’s all hitting. You listen: four-for-four, a couple of RBIs. ‘Conforto.’”
“‘DeGrom.’ Plain as day.”

“Excuse me, I don’t mean to interrupt, but are you guys doing that thing where everybody hears something different?”
“Yeah. Except I hear it right and my friend here hears it wrong.”
“Says you. DeGrom!”
“Conforto!”
“Here’s the thing, fellas. I think you’re supposed to hear them both at the same time.”
“WHAT?”

“It’s not just about pitching, though deGrom mowing down the Diamondbacks and paving the way for a 3-1 Mets victory Friday night in a crisp 2:36 was sublime. And it’s not just about hitting, though Conforto breaking out made sure the great starting pitching — and equally good relief — wouldn’t go to waste. C’mon give it another try. You, the guy who only heard deGrom, listen again. What do you hear?”
“I hear ‘deGrom.’ DeGrom drowns out everything.”
“C’mon, listen harder.”
“DeGrom. I’m not changing my answer.”

“What about you, Conforto guy? Use these Q-tips, clear out the wax and try again.”
“Conforto. And my ears are fine.”
“Forget it. There’s no getting through to either of you.”

“Hey, you guys are doing that deGrom/Conforto thing? I heard about that. Can I play, too?”
“Sure. Maybe you can break the tie. Honestly tell us what you hear.”
“I hear…I hear ‘Lagares.’”

“Lagares? Everybody hears either deGrom or Conforto. How the hell do you hear Lagares?”
“It’s all I can hear. That and a faint yowl of agony. Wait, I think there’s something else in there.”
“What?”
“A gaping hole where there should be an additional major league outfielder.”
“You can hear all that?”
“My audiologist says I process sounds on a very finely tuned frequency.”
“Meaning?”
“Meaning I hear mostly defense — or the lack thereof.”

“Ooh, you guys are doing that everybody hears something different thing. I want in!”
“Why not? What, pray tell, do you hear?”
“Chaos!”
“Chaos? What the fudge does that sound like?”
“It’s Lagares going on the DL for the year for what was supposed to be a sprain, it’s having no suitable replacements for him, it’s Cespedes not immediately going on the DL when we all knew that’s where he was ultimately headed, it’s the free agent innings-eater never lasting more than four innings, it’s the Mets batting out of order, it’s weeks of minor league catchers, it’s failing to put back-to-back wins together for more than a month…”
“You hear all that?”
“I heard it on the way over. I was listening to the pregame show.”

“That’s not how this is supposed to work.”
“Nothing’s ever how it’s supposed to work with the Mets. That’s what makes them them not just chaotic, but dysfunctional.”
“Conforto’s functioning fine. Except for the long slump until now.”
“DeGrom’s functioning flawlessly. Except for the hyperxtended elbow.”
“Right. And Lagares won a Gold Glove four years ago and basically hasn’t been heard from since, and won’t be heard from again. Just like d’Arnaud. Just like Swarzak. Just like…say, anybody heard from T.J. Rivera lately?”
“Who?”
“Exactly.”

“Pardon me, I’ve overheard what you’re doing. Do you mind if I have a listen?”
“Everybody else has, go ahead.”
“Ooh, I hear winning record, bunched up divisional race, three-quarters of a season remaining, maybe not everything going wrong for the Mets despite everybody being determined to believe otherwise.”
“That’s because of deGrom.”

“Conforto!”
“DeGrom!”
“Lagares!”
“Chaos!”
“Dysfunction!”
“Actually, I hear rain is in the forecast.”
“Yeah, I heard that, too.”