The Imperfect Hosts

“Did you get everything we need for the party? I don’t think these painfully bland t-shirts we promised are going to excite anybody.”
“Let’s see…I got two new players: Aaron Altherr and Hector Santiago.”
“More like used players, no?”
“Nah, they’re good as new. They work fine.”
“Uh-huh.”
“I also ordered a couple more — Ervin Santana and Matt Kemp — but they’re gonna be delivered at a later date.”
“How is that supposed to help tonight?”
“We’ll use ’em next time.”
“What about tonight? The party is tonight. What did you get for tonight?”
“Relax — I got three doubles.”
“Great. People like doubles”
“Oh, and check it out, they were having a special on home runs, so I got five of those.”
“Five? You don’t think that’s too many?”
“You can never have too many home runs. People love home runs!”

“I suppose. Let me take a look. Did you get an Alonso home run?”
“Like we’re gonna host a party and I’m not getting an Alonso home run. Of course I got an Alonso home run.”
“All right, looks good. What about the rest…Rosario, fine…Ramos, OK…what are these other two?”
“This one’s an Hechavarria.”
“They make Hechavarria home runs?”
“Sure!”
“It’s bigger than the others…three runs. Did you have to pay extra?”
“I told you, home runs were on special. They’re all over the place these days.”
“Uh-huh. This other one, I don’t recognize the brand. Did it fall off the back of a truck or something?”
“No, silly. It’s an Altherr.”

“A what?”
“An Altherr. Aaron Altherr.”
“I don’t recognize it.”
“I just told you. One of the new players. It comes with a first-pitch, pinch-hit home run.”
“Is this even real? I want to throw a nice party, not one with a load of crap nobody’s going to want to go near.”
“What are you talking about? It’s real. It’s spectacular. It’s good for one run, just like most of the rest of them.”
“Fine, fine. We’ll put the Hechavarria in the middle. It’s bigger than the rest, it’s novel, it’s a conversation piece, it’ll distract people from the…what is it again?”
“Altherr. Aaron Altherr. Don’t be such a snob.”

“Fine. We’ll put the Hechavarria next to the Alonso and the others behind the Alonso. What else did you get?”
“There’s this nice catch from Gomez.”
“Not bad. What about pitching. Did you remember to get the pitching?”
“I got the Santiago.”
“The what?”
“Do you even listen? I told you I picked up a Santiago.”
“Another bargain. Is it gonna even hold up under the stress of one of these parties?”
“What’s with you? We hold these parties all the time.”

“They’re bringing a Hall of Famer. They’re bringing Miguel Cabrera, for crissake. I’d like to have some nice things out when they do.”
“Big deal. One Cabrera and you get bent all out of shape.”
“It’s not every day we have guests who bring something that nice.”
“Are they bringing anything else anybody’s ever heard of? I’ll bet they’re not. And I have news for you — they’ve been trotting that Cabrera of theirs out at parties for ages. It’s not the classic you think it is.”
“You watch your mouth. I’m not going to let someone bring a Miguel Cabrera into our house while we just scatter a bunch of journeyman junk you scooped up by the side of the road.”
“I did no such thing.”
“Or got at the dollar store.”
“They have perfectly good stuff there.”

“Whatever. Please tell me. Did you get any pitching — besides San Diego?”
“Santiago.”
“Whatever.”
“Santiago comes with a scoreless inning. Uses the whole park!”
“Uh-huh. What else? What other pitching?”
“Don’t we already have pitching?”
“Oh, not this again. What is the first rule of throwing a classy party?”
“Here we go again. ‘You can never have enough pitching.’”
“Don’t give me that attitude. It’s true. You can NEVER have enough pitching. Did you get more pitching, besides Sandy Ego?”
“We have plenty. Here, use the Syndergaard.”

“The Syndergaard…there’s a stain on the Syndergaard! And a big hole right in the middle of it! It’s chipped full of hits! I can’t use this!”
“Nonsense. People will be so focused on the home runs that they won’t notice.”
“We’re gonna need more pitching than Syndergaard. Oh geez.”
“Will you relax? We can pull out the Bashlor.”
“The Bashlor’s not gonna work. It can’t handle inherited runners.”
“Don’t panic. We still have the Gagnon.”
“The Gagnon? That’s your answer to everything. The Gagnon. You can’t keep using the Gagnon and expect it to do the job every time. Once, twice, sure, but no, it won’t do tonight. Where did we put the Lugo?”
“I had to send it out for repairs.”
“Really? How many things do we have in the shop exactly?”
“Don’t ask.”

“I’m sorry I did. We have to have more pitching than this. Look around, maybe there’s something buried in the couch cushions.”
“Oh, I know! We can serve the Familia!”
“Do you want everybody to have to be rushed to the hospital? The Familia has been in the fridge far too long.”
“It was fine the other day.”
“That was the other day. It’s past its expiration date. It was past its expiration date last summer!”
“Then why did we get so much of it?”
“That a question I’m not in the mood to try to answer right now. We can’t bring out the Diaz, we don’t have the Lugo, the Gsellman…no, I can’t even. I do NOT have a good feeling about how this party is going to turn out.”
“Just chill. Dig how we have all the home runs lined up. They’re amazing together like that, the five of them.”
“Uh-huh. Let’s hope it’s enough to distract from the lack of pitching. Honestly, couldn’t have you picked up a little more as long as you were out scrounging?”
“We’re getting the Jason Vargas back tomorrow.”

“Don’t toy with me.”
“Sorry.”