“Thank you for sharing, Baltimore O, and thank you for offering Baltimore O your empathy, Pittsburgh P. Having to replace a manager so early in the season is always difficult. Remember, at Losing Baseball Teams Anonymous, we’re here to help one another without rendering judgment. Do you have anything you wish to add, Chicago WS?”
“Hi, everybody. I’m Chicago WS, and I’m a losing baseball team.”
“Hi, Chicago WS!!”
“I’m still going through some rough times, though not as rough as the times I was going through in 2024. I’ve been winning at about the same pace as I was last year…”
“Chicago WS, in these meetings, we’re not ashamed to use the L-word.”
“Very well. I’ve been losing at about the same pace as I was last year, but it doesn’t feel as bad as it did. I think it might have something to do with learning one of my fans recently got a new job leading one of the world’s major religions.”
“Hey, that’s great to hear about ‘leading’ from you rather than being behind most of the time. Let’s give Chicago WS a round of applause for a step forward, even if it doesn’t show up in the standings.”
“Yeah, thanks. Also, I don’t feel so bad about myself because I’m clearly no longer the biggest loser in the room.”
“Was that a shot at me?
“OK, Colorado R. You have the floor.”
“Hi, I’m Colorado R, and I’m a losing baseball team.”
“Hi, Colorado R!!”
“Um, it’s been kind of a difficult period. I’m 8 and 41 at the moment. And, yes, that’s worse than Chicago WS, or anybody else here.”
“How does that make you feel, Colorado R?”
“Less than mile-high, to be honest. I thought that playing where I do, the elevation would lift me up or at least give me some kind of home-field advantage. It hasn’t really worked out that way.”
“The important thing, Colorado R, is you maintain your self-esteem. You mentioned elevation, as if there are times you feel above it all. That’s positive. Chicago WS says he has some sort of religious figure on his side. Do you have anybody like that you can point to.”
“John Denver wrote a really nice song years ago. When I stand on the mound, I can relate to seeing it raining fire in the sky.”
“That’s super. Everybody, we have someone new at our meeting tonight. Please welcome him.”
“Um, hello.”
“We all introduce ourselves to the group.”
“Oh, sorry. Hello, everybody. I’m New York M.”
“Hi, New York M!!”
“Hi. For the last week, I’ve been a losing baseball team.”
“New York M, why don’t you tell us more?”
“It all started last week when I stopped hitting. I mean cold. I pitched OK most of the time, but the hitting was basically a cold turkey situation.”
“It’s hard to try to quit all at once. One day at a time, brother.”
“Every day was a day not to hit for me. No hitting with runners on base. No home runs whatsoever. Every long fly ball I hit would have been out of every ballpark in the majors except whichever one I happened to be in, and every long fly ball I gave up would have been an out except for where I was actually pitching.”
“Don’t feel ashamed, New York M. The important thing is you keep trying.”
“I have to confess there were times I didn’t really feel like trying. I’d jog more than run. Everybody noticed that I was moving at half-speed. It was all very discouraging.”
“We’re here to help you. Sacramento A, did you have something to say?”
“It’s just ‘A,’ now.”
“Sorry, ‘A’.”
“No problem. First off, welcome New York M. Second, I’m sorry if you’re having to get used to a minor league ballpark.”
“Oh, no. That’s not a problem for me.”
“Lucky you.”
“Can I chime in on this?”
“Of course, Pittsburgh P.”
“Welcome, New York M. It must be difficult to compete with such a limited budget.”
“No, my budget’s ample. More than ample, actually.”
“How much more than ample.”
“Amply more.”
“How your stadium view?”
“It’s OK.”
“Yeah, well mine’s SPECTACULAR.”
“Pittsburgh P, we’re here to be supportive, not combative. Miami M, do you have something to say?”
“New York M, are you suffering from a chronic lack of fan support or interest?”
“Not at all. I’ve got lots of fans coming out to see me. When I’m home, pretty much everything is great.”
“How about rain delays? ’Cause I haven’t had any rain delays since 2012.”
“It rains sometimes where I am.”
“Well, I’ve got a roof, and let me tell you, when my fans show up, they don’t get wet. Four-digit gates and no umbrellas needed. Put that in your pipe and smoke it!”
“Supportive, people…”
“May I ask a question?”
“Of course, Los Angeles of Anaheim A.”
“It’s just Los Angeles A.”
“Sorry about that. It’s hard to remember from one of your names to the next.”
“Not really, but anyway, New York M, if I may be blunt, what are you doing here?”
“The sign outside said all are welcome.”
“I know what the sign says. I’ve been looking at that sign for years. Everybody in this room is a losing baseball team with chronic or deep-seated difficulties. Me, I never go to the playoffs and you can see that nobody quite knows where I play.”
“Oh, I don’t have that problem. I went to the playoffs just last year. It was a lot of fun. And I think people know where I play.”
“In that case, New York M, and I don’t mean to be judgmental, but it doesn’t sound as if you have it so bad.”
“Well, I did lose three in a row, and five of six. And I wasn’t kidding about the lack of power-hitting or hitting of any kind.”
“So you fear this is the beginning of a long-term downward trend?”
“I don’t know about that. I mean I won my most recent game in pretty rousing fashion. I hit with runners on base for a change, I hit a ball over a very tall wall, and I shut down the opposition quite effectively.”
“Point of order?”
“Go ahead, Colorado R.”
“New York M, these meetings are for baseball teams that are truly down in the dumps. Do you understand in 2025 what it means for a baseball team to be truly down in the dumps?”
“I was a little off stride. It felt weird.”
“Did it feel 8 and 41 weird?”
“God, no, I’m 30 and 20.”
“New York M, with all due respect, you don’t belong in this room.”
“I don’t?”
“I have something to say to New York M.”
“Go ahead.”
“Hi, everybody, I’m Tampa Bay R. That’s Tampa BAY R. I know you guys are always calling me TAMPA R, but I identify as Tampa BAY.”
“Yes, Tampa Bay R. What do you have to say to New York M. This is a safe space.”
“New York M, I don’t even play in my own stadium anymore. It was practically destroyed in a hurricane. I play in a Spring Training stadium with the most loathsome name imaginable. Like Miami M, there never seems to be a whole lot of reason for my existence if you look at attendance figures. Like ‘A,’ I don’t know where I’ll be in a couple of years.”
“Um, I told you. I’ll be in Las Vegas. Sweet new ballpark they’re gonna build for me right on the Strip.”
“Sure. What I’m saying, New York M, is if you don’t have these identity issues, and you do have a lot of fans showing up to see you, and you’ve been in the playoffs lately, and you have your own big league ballpark, and apparently a sizable payroll…”
“Between you and me, it’s huge.”
“AND you’re — how many games above .500?”
“Ten.”
“All due respect, New York M, what in the name of Al Lang are you doing here?”
“I get what all you fellas are saying, and I don’t mean to intrude on what you’ve got going on in here. It’s just that when I do lose in small, concentrated, intense doses, I seem to inspire a lot of kvetching.”
“Qu’est-ce que c’est ‘kvetching’?”
“Huh?”
“Our legacy international member Montreal E wants to know what you mean by kvetching”
“You know — kvetching. Griping. Complaining.”
“Ah, oui.”
“The kvetching when I have a bad week makes me question who I am. But maybe that week is over. Like I said, I just won. Did I mention the score was 5 to 1?”
“You didn’t, but thanks for the detail, New York M. I will take the bold step of speaking for the group when I say your feelings are valid, and we respect the emotional turbulence you’re currently experiencing, and we truly wish you well. But I have to agree with what others have said. Maybe you’d feel more comfortable working on your self-esteem issues by simply playing your next series and seeing how that goes.”
“My next series is against Los Angeles D.”
“Good luck with that. Meeting adjourned.”
Yeah, thanks for the help Rockies. Much appreciated. I’m sure you have another loss to the Phillies on your agenda for today.
the best line, in a piece loaded with them, may have been just that “sure” to A.
Great we do not have to endure GKR the next 3 days. Gary and Ron have recently been most insufferable. They make Gelbs look like Vin Scully.
This will likely be received as blasphemy in these parts, but I think it is time for Gary to either move on or to reinvigorate himself as it relates to his craft. His predilection to spount meaningless statistical data just to fill air time (“the Mets haven’t had 3 sacrifice flies in a game since ’09!”) is insulting to his audience and emblematic of his automatic pilot approach to covering these games. His memory for historical tidbits should not be confused with a deep thoughtful understanding of the game, its strategy or any larger focus issues. He has become a difficult listen. I would have no problem with Gelbs as the lead announcer. Gelbs has paid his dues multiple times over and has suffered Cohen’s demeaning snide comments about his “sideline reporting” for too long. Move him on up!