As Yet Unanswerable Questions

“Say, the new baseball season is coming.”
“Yeah, I guess it is. I’m not quite the diehard I used to be, but I’d like to catch up with what’s going with my favorite baseball team, the New York Mets.”
“In that case, I think it’s important that we establish some fundamentals about the Mets.”
“Fundamentals? Like what?”
“For example, every ballplayer on a ballclub has a very specific job, something the ballclub understands the ballplayer is best suited for.”
“Every ballplayer?”
“Every ballplayer. Even on the Mets.”
“Even on the Mets?”
“That’s right, even on the Mets.”
“So if I ask you about a ballplayer on the Mets, you can tell me who he is and what he does?”

A modest explainer, already in progress.

“That’s correct. Go ahead and try me.”
“Who’s on first?”
“Polanco.”
“So Polanco’s a first baseman?”
“Not yet.”
“Who’s on third?”
“Bichette.”
“So Bichette’s a third baseman?”
“Not yet.”
“Who’s in left?”
“Soto.”
“So Soto’s a left fielder?”
“He has been. More recently he was in right.”
“I see, I think. Well, who’s in right?”
“I dunno.”
“I dunno is a peculiar name for a ballplayer, even on the Mets.”

“No, I’m telling you I dunno yet who’s gonna be the Mets’ right fielder.”
“Then how can you be so sure about the other positions I asked about?”
“Because they told me.”
“Who told you?”
“The Mets.”
“The Mets told you Polanco’s gonna be on first even though he’s not a first baseman, Bichette’s gonna be on third even though he’s not a third baseman, and Soto’s gonna be in left even though he’s not a left fielder.”
“But he has been.”
“Not lately, though?”

“No, Soto was a right fielder.”
“Soto was a right fielder?”
“Practically every day last year.”
“Soto was in right?”
“Right.”
“Wasn’t he on third?”
“That was a while back. Wright’s not around anymore.”
“So who was on third when Soto was in right?”
“Baty was on third, mostly. And sometime Vientos.”
“But Baty and Vientos aren’t on third now?”

“Nope.”
“So is it right to say they’re not around anymore?”
“No, they’re around.”
“Baty and Vientos are around?”
“Correct.”
“So what do they do if they’re not on third?”
“I dunno.”
“I thought you said I dunno is in right.”
“What I said is I dunno who’s in right.”
“Which means it’s not Soto.”
“Right.”
“Right as in correct?”
“Right.”
“So, just to make sure, you say Soto is now in left?”

“Right.”
“Please just say correct.”
“Correct.”
“And when I asked you who’s in right for the Mets, you said I dunno?”
“That’s what I said.”
“So they still have Soto?”

“For a long time. Unless he opts out.”
“Doesn’t Soto have a contract?”
“Every ballplayer has a contract.”
“Doesn’t the contract say Soto will be a Met for the length of the contract?”
“Correct. It’s a very lengthy contract. Fifteen years.”
“That is a long time.”
“Correct. But he can opt out after the fifth year if certain adjustments aren’t made to his satisfaction.”
“Then it’s not a fifteen-year contract.”
“It is. It just might last not last longer than five years.”
“But he’s a Met right now?”
“Correct.”
“And he was the Mets’ right fielder last year.”
“Correct.”
“So why isn’t Soto still in right?”
“So they can put somebody else out there.”
“And who would that be?”
“I dunno.”
“Which you say is not a peculiar name for a ballplayer, even on the Mets.”
“It’s still a peculiar name, but it’s not the name of the Mets’ right fielder.”
“So who is the Mets’ right fielder?”

“I dunno.”
“When will the identity of the Mets’ right fielder become clear?”
“Later.”
“How much later?”
“Later this Spring.”
“That’s a long way away.”
“Not really. Spring has already started.”
“No it hasn’t. There’s like two feet of snow on the ground.”
“Not where the Mets play.”
“But the Mets play in New York.”

“The Mets don’t play in New York in the Spring.”
“Which this isn’t.”
“But it is. The Mets have already played several ballgames this Spring.”
“Did they win them?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“It doesn’t matter? How could it not matter whether the Mets win or lose if we’re fans of the New York Mets?”
“Because it’s Spring.”
“It’s not spring — it’s February!”
“Spring starts in February in baseball.”
“You’re telling me that in the dead of winter, when there’s snow covering everything in New York, including the Mets’ home ballpark, that it’s actually spring, and that the Mets are playing baseball, which is something that as Mets fans we really care about, yet it doesn’t matter if they win or lose?”

“Correct.”
“What happens when it’s actually spring?”
“It’s Spring right now in baseball.”
“I mean when it’s spring everywhere.”
“When it’s spring everywhere, the Mets will be in New York.”
“When will that be?”
“Soon.”
“How soon?”
“Late March.”
“It’s still cold in late March.”
“It’s baseball season in late March.”
“But I thought baseball was the summer game.”

“It says here that baseball starts in New York in late March.”
“Where does it say that?”
“Here. On the official schedule.”
“Can you hand me the official schedule the Mets print?”
“I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“They don’t print it anymore.”
“So what are you looking at?”
“My phone.”
“They don’t have a schedule that fits in your pocket?”
“They put it on phones. They figure there’s one in everybody’s pocket.”
“I see. So I have to look on my phone if I want to see when the Mets play?”

“Correct.”
“OK, I’m looking on my phone, and I see that like you said the Mets play in New York in late March.”
“Correct.”
“And that on the first day they play in their home ballpark, they’ll be giving out schedules.”
“Correct.”
“But you said they don’t print them anymore.”
“They don’t. Except on magnets.”
“So I can just pick up a magnet that has the schedule on it?”
“Only if you go to the game on the first day. Everybody gets one.”
“What if I can’t go to the game on the first day? What if I go on the second day?”

“On the second day they’re giving out replica 1986 world championship rings.”
“That sounds great! Maybe I’ll go to that game.”
“If you want a ring, you have to be one of the first 15,000 fans.”
“One of the first 15,000 fans to what?”
“One of the first 15,000 fans to go to that game.”
“How many people might go to that game?”
“Maybe 40,000.”
“Aren’t all 40,000 going at the same time?”
“They’re all going to the same game, but they each enter the ballpark at different times.”
“And only 15,000 get replica 1986 world championship rings?”

“Only the first 15,000.”
“So if I’m holding a ticket, how would I know if I’m gonna be one of the first 15,000?”
“You won’t be holding a ticket.”
“What if buy a ticket?”
“You can buy a ticket, but you can’t hold a ticket.”
“Don’t the Mets sell tickets to their ballgames?”
“They do. Look on your phone.”
“I see. Whoa, get a load of those prices.”
“Oh, they’ll take your money in exchange for a ticket. But the ticket goes on your phone.”
“So my phone has to be one of the first 15,000 phones inside the Mets’ ballpark?”
“Only if it has a ticket on it.”
“Yet there are no guarantees I’ll get a ring?”

Start bundling and lining up now.

“Your best bet to get one is to line up early outside the Mets’ ballpark.”
“That will assure me a replica 1986 world championship ring?”
“Only if 15,000 people didn’t line up before you.”
“So I have to line up really early?”
“Correct.”
“Outside?”
“Correct.”
“In late March in New York?”
“Correct.”
“Where there’ll likely still be some of this snow on the ground?”
“Correct.”
“To go to a thing that I already paid for?”
“Correct.”
“To get a thing I might not get if 15,000 other people decided they wanted to line up even earlier?”
“Correct.”
“And if I don’t get the ring, I get what?”
“You get to see the game.”
“Because I have a ticket.”

“Not technically. But it’s on your phone.”
“OK, let’s say I’ve bought a ticket after looking at the schedule on my phone, and the ticket is on my phone, and I’ve decided to stand outside in late March in New York really early to get my replica 1986 world championship ring, which will be given to only the first 15,000 people…by the way, why don’t they hand one to everybody?”
“Because it says on the schedule they don’t.”
“Can you hand me the schedule where it says that?”
“I can’t.”
“Why not?”

“Because it’s on your phone.”
“Right….”
“He won’t be playing. He’s not around anymore.”
“Don’t confuse me about that again. I just want to know that if I go on the second day the Mets are home, I might not get a ring, but I will see a ballgame.”
“If it doesn’t snow. It’s going to be in late March.”
“But if it doesn’t snow, the Mets will play a ballgame.”
“Correct.”
“And who will be on first?”
“Polanco.”
“Who’s not a first baseman.”
“Correct.”
“And who will be on third?”
“Bichette.”
“Who’s not a third baseman.”
“Correct.”
“And who will be in left?”
“Soto.”
“Who wasn’t a left fielder last year, but he has been.”
“And will be for a long time probably.”
“Probably?”

“If he doesn’t opt out. And even if he doesn’t opt out, after a while, he might become the designated hitter.”
“Where on the field will I see the designated hitter?”
“Nowhere.”
“So it’s not a real position?”
“Not really, but it is in the ballgame.”
“Who’s the Mets’ designated hitter?”
“I dunno.”
“I thought you said I dunno is in right.”
“By late March we’ll know who’s in right.”
“Who will it be?”

“Maybe Benge.”
“Maybe Benge?”
“Maybe Benge.”
“You’re suggesting I watching a whole bunch of ballgames at once like I would watch a whole bunch of episodes of a TV show I really like to find out who’s in right for the New York Mets?”
“You asked me who’s in right, so I’m telling you, maybe Benge.”
“Do they have doubleheaders for that so I can get multiple games watched at once?”
“Probably not.”
“Well, can you hand me the Mets schedule so I can check?”
“They don’t print schedules.”
“Except on a magnet.”
“Except on a magnet.”
“Which they give to everybody at the first ballgame in New York in late March.”
“Correct.”
“But they don’t print anywhere else.”
“Correct.”
“And they give out other things at other games.”
“Correct.”
“But only to the first 15,000.”
“Sometimes to the first 18,000.”
“To games that might draw more than 40,000.”

“Correct.”
“All to watch a team with somebody who’s not a first baseman on first, somebody who’s not a third baseman on third, last year’s right fielder in left, and in right…”
“Maybe Benge.”
“Benge? At the prices they charge, maybe I can go every now and then, but I’ll probably wait until the weather warms up.”